Sunday, October 22, 2017

October 2017 Update

 It's been quite some time since I have updated here at my blog.  Time just goes by so fast now and I realize I am only about 4 weeks away from my 1 year since surgery.  What a year!!  So many blessings.

The last 3 or 4 months I have not been as successful as I would like to have been, and there were some pounds creeping back on in the last month or 2.  I had got my weight down to around 165 and then the next thing I know, this past Monday, I am at 183!  That was fairly devastating to me. But, I know what causes that and it's my inattention to what I am eating, the frequency in which I am eating and the portion size.  Basically, every single other reason I had prior to my surgery that would cause me to gain weight as opposed to lose weight.  Or even maintain weight!

As of this morning, after paying attention to this for this week, I am gratefully down to 179.6.  Whew.  I still would like to be closer to 155 pounds and maintain between 155 and 160.  I have decided this would be a good place for this 54 year old body.  Any way I look at it...I am so much closer than I ever was at 250 pounds!

In the past few months I participated in a 5K.  It's not like I ran it, but even participating is more than I would have ever done in the past.  I also have continued to do lots of walking and in general am much more physical than I ever was before and am able to do it without difficulty.  My son visited for a few weeks from Hawaii, and he ahd I went on a trip to the Oregon coast.  We stayed at a fun little bungalow on the beach and walked every day on the beach for miles and miles.  It was so wonderful to spend that time with him and have the stamina to do all of the activities that we did.


Another monumental accomplishment was my visit with my primary care physician.  She did my blood work and officially stated that I am no longer diabetic and all my previous conditions are resolved.  She actually does not even need to see me for another YEAR as opposed to 3 months as I have been doing with her for the last 10 years.  It's amazing!!

My main struggles now are more mental.  I listen to the cravings much more than I need to and find myself snacking too often just because it's there.  And these snack foods are my downfall because I can eat them frequently, without feeling too full and am taking in too many calories than I should be.  Plus, the type of foods they are turn to carbs I don't need to have.  I think my main downfall lately has been popcorn.  It's not a bad snack in general, but I can eat it rather mindlessly and a lot of it.  I recently bought a great big bag of skinny pop from Costco and was afraid to open it all week because I know me well enough to know it would be a constant dive into the bag.  But, I did portion it out into individual servings and now those are there and ready and when the bag is empty I am done.  Makes common sense.  And yet, things that are simple sometimes are harder when the brain is involved. 

The other struggle I have, also mental, is my perseption of myself physically.  I forget how far along I have come and don't give myself credit for the accomplishments and instead dwell on that 10-15 pound gain.  It's not fair.  As soon as I give into that thinking all I am is "fat" and unworthy and etc and so on.  Stupid mind games.  I've done them my whole life.  The surgery definitely did not fix my brain!  I am healthier, I feel better, I look better.  As I said earlier....so many blessings!

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Progressing Along...


With all those desperate feelings, I decided to take action on Monday, and made a food plan for my week.  Today is Thursday, and I am happy to report that I have been doing very good.  I am making sure I am drinking much more water throughout the day, I am following a pre-planned menu and eating things that take me back to my after surgery days.  I think I got waylaid by all types of conflicting ideologies, such as, protein drinks, avoid dairy, more vegetables and less protein, etc and so on.  I am not saying there is anything wrong with those specific things, it’s just that I know what worked for me, and was working for me, so once I stopped eating all the simple carbs, following a plan that had worked previously and watching my portion sizes, the pounds I packed on, have started coming back off. 
 
On Monday, I weighed myself and I was all the way up to 176.4!  Yikes!  It was so depressing.  But, this morning, I checked my progress and I was 167.2.  My guess is, a lot of salt retention from the popcorn, etc.  My goal is to try and get back to where my lowest weight was since starting this journey, and we will take it from there.  I do feel a lot better already, though.  My attitude has improved, my positivity has improved and in general, feel like I had been feeling before.  So what did I change?  Yogurt is back.  Cheese is back.  Smaller portions and variety.  I am allowing myself a snack if I want it, and make sure it is protein.  I am allowing myself to eat fruit and nuts again.  I am trying to avoid empty calories or foods that bring on that “out of control” feeling.  Things like candy, popcorn, cookies.  Yes, I was indulging.  I am trying to resist.  I don’t expect to be always perfect, but so far have avoided an offer of bundt cake, doughnuts and ice cream at work.  Additionally, they had a taco bar at work and I avoided the tortilla and made a taco salad with a small handful of chips.  It was very good and I felt satisfied without going too crazy.  It was “normal” eating.
 
I guess it comes down to, one-day-at-a-time.  Enough consecutive days will add up to success.
 
An odd thing happened yesterday.  I was at the grocery store and a lady I have known for over a year walked by me.  I said hello to her, but she didn’t seem to know who I was, or anyway, only acknowledged me as you would someone that is a stranger saying hello.  It bothered me.  I mean, come on!  It’s me!  I am not a stranger.  Yes, I have lost weight and yes my body is different, but am I that different?  I thought about it for awhile, and then ended up in line behind her at the check out counter.  I finally said her name and she looked at me.  I had to tell her my name before recognition registered on her face.  Omigoodness!  This happened at a family reunion last month as well.  My own Aunt thought I was someone else and not myself.  She has known me my whole life.  It makes me wonder if we recognize someone for the entire package of their body matched up to a face, or what?  Last evening, my brother and his wife stopped by my home to spend the night on their journey home from visiting family on the Oregon coast.  They haven’t seen me since my surgery either.  We were sitting in my home visiting and my brother said, “The voice is you, but it’s like it’s coming out of a stranger’s face”.  I felt really strange about this.  I am not sure if this is all good or just kind of good?  Am I losing my identity?  Do I need to reinvent myself?  I just don’t know…

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Where is My Positivity?

I don't know what has been happening to me?  When I go back and read all the milestones, challenges and personal progress I have made, I am not sure why I still struggle so much with where I am right now?  I am eating ALL THE FOOD!  It's like I have no self control anymore.  I graze all the time when I am home.  At work I am pretty much OK because I am busy and limited in what I can eat, but here at home...I eat and eat and eat.

I have been extremely stressed lately though.  Work, personal all of it has been stress-ridden.  Perhaps though, some of my stress is also related to my bad habits of late and then again, its like a vicious circle because it also feeds that fuel by making me resort to stress eating.  I am not sure where to begin to recharge my batteries.  I think I get desperate sometimes and then resort back to extreme things (like skipping meals, just drinking protein shakes, etc)

I think I need to try food journaling and meal planning again.  I just am not sure what to do when those impulsive habits creep back in and affect my choices.  I get so sad when I see the pounds creeping back on me.

I need help!  It's got me very scared.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Trying Again

Whenever something doesn't work out the first time you try it, but you know its the right thing to do, it's best to just keep trying.  That is where I am today.  I had a weekend of popcorn, candy, carbonated drinks and all kinds of such mayhem!  I know what the problem is.  I am human.  That is pretty much it, in a nutshell.   But, being human isn't an excuse, its a reality.  And being human, I am intelligent enough to know that I can change if I want to.  I can adopt new patterns of behavior with hard work and determination.  But, I can also be forgiving of myself and love myself and pat myself on the back and say "try again".  This is what I would do for a friend.  I wouldn't kick them while they were down, I would instead hopefully make them feel encouraged to keep trying.  I would let them know I am there for them if they need me to help.  Surely I can do this for myself too?

I am back to protein shakes today and a sensible dinner.  It helped last week.  I started to see some light in the dark tunnel, but then the weekend hit and all hell broke loose.  The scale this morning reflected a gain almost back to where I was when I started last week. I do think most of that is the salt from the popcorn I ate yesterday.  And honestly, I can eat ALOT of popcorn.  I wonder why my sleeve doesn't notice any restriction when I eat popcorn?  It's a problem!

I think I should make some more of those fathead pizza crusts this week.  If I have a plan, I will usually follow it.  So, protein shakes all day and a sensible dinner in the evenings.  Chicken, salmon, fathead pizza and salads.  I can do this!  I also ran on the treadmill this morning.  Not too long, but I can still do it.  So, I must continue on this way.  Also walking the dogs in the evening if the weather permits is a good idea.

That's my plan.  I hope to update as I go along.

Friday, August 4, 2017

Turning a Corner?

I thought I would update how things have been going.  I am feeling a little bit better about turning things around and trying to get back on track.  On Wednesday, I was able to stick to protein shakes all day except for 1 small apple in the evening that I sliced up and ate.  I couldn't feel too guilty about 1 apple, right?  Then on Thursday, I continued on the protein shake journey and in the evening, my husband took me out to dinner.  Here things got a little out of control, because after we came home, he wanted a bowl of ice cream.  I did end up having some ice cream too.  Argh!!  All in all, it was OK though.  I didn't binge all evening after that and stopped eating altogether, in fact.

Today, I packed my lunch with 4 protein powders and that will get me through the day until this evening where we have planned to eat out again.  He and I have a habit of eating out a lot when he is home (he works out of town most of the time), and usually it's not too much of a problem because I really can only eat so much dense food in one sitting.  So, it's either pack it up and take it home or its a buffet and eat what I can and stop.  The worst part is knowing when enough is enough because I have been known to end up in the restaurant bathroom throwing up because its just too much.  Ugh.  I try not to let it get there though.

I am hopeful I am turning a corner.  This isn't a competition and there isn't a deadline really, and I do know this will be a lifelong endeavor, but I don't want to feel those old feelings and habits coming back and taking over me.  I still want the control of my health.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Week 37 - Hanging In There

Too much time has gone by since I last updated here at my blog.  I am now 37 weeks from my surgery that was on November 15, 2016.  The last few weeks (probably about 6 weeks) have been a very real struggle for me.  The mind feels so impulsive and I have given into following it's advice to eat off program, slack off somewhat with my exercise and in general I have felt the turning of the tide.  I have to stop this downward spiral before it becomes out of control.

With all of the not taking care of myself, I had weighed myself periodically and was for the most part, maintaining my weight.  Possibly up 1 or 2 pounds and then I would be back down a day or so later.  I knew my eating habits weren't the best and I could eat a lot more than I used to.  Today I weighed myself and I was up 5 pounds!  I felt real fear, for the first time since surgery that I could actually regain all this weight I have lost!

Today I forced myself to just drink protein shakes.  Anyway, that was my plan.  For the most part I succeeded except I did slice up a small apple this evening and it was so delicious.   Tomorrow, my plan is similar, except I will have a dinner with Jim in the evening.  If I start craving something in the evening, then I will drink another protein shake.  Thats my plan.  Its a short term solution,  but I hope to at least lose the regain and get back where I was.

I have enjoyed the summer evenings.  The weather has been so hot this week,  but the dogs and I have tried to go on walks despite that.  I haven't been able to get out of bed like I was before, so the evening walks are compensation for avoiding the treadmill in the mornings.










Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Making Changes

After my last blog post and my feelings of frustration, I tried to focus in on what I could do to make more positive changes.  I have been listening to some videos that were created by a bariatric surgeon in New Mexico named Dr. Duc Vuong and he has been very motivating to me.  So, last week I started  by drinking a green smoothie for breakfast every morning.  I cut out my egg and bacon (at least for now) and drink the smoothie and avoid snacking in between my meals.  Then for lunch I made a leafy green salad with some kind of protein added to it.  I have done this since last week and have already lost some weight I hadn't before.  It took me 2 months to dip below 170 pounds, but I arrived there finally on Sunday, weighing in at 169.2 lbs!  So, by making over 50% of my diet being raw, avoiding all in between meals snacking and then finishing off my day with whatever I want for dinner, I have made a difference.  So far, my dinners have been salmon, I even made an on the grill burger with some bacon last night.  It's been working out pretty good.

I really thought that the snacking would be a problem.  I thought I would miss my morning yogurt or afternoon cheese and nuts, but so far I have felt satisfied.  I have also been drinking more water during the day and between the raw foods and water, I think my system has been pretty happy too.

So anyway....I am super pleased to have finally left behind the 170's.  They stuck to me like glue and I don't ever want to see them again!

By my reckoning, I am getting very close to my goal now.  I am looking at 155 pounds as a good place to hang out awhile and see what it's like.  So...14 more pounds to go!

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Is The Honeymoon Over?

I'm not ready for the honeymoon to be over.  I want to go back to those days of tight restrictions to my pouch and the feeling of only being able to eat a small portion.  Heck, I am not even saying it that specifically; I want my brain to stop telling me to keep on eating even though I am done.  I want the passion back in my efforts.  I want, I want, I want....

Life skills.  I have many, many years of teaching myself the bad things to do.  The unhealthy things that got me where I am.  And since my surgery, I have slowly realized that I can go back to those bad things.  My pouch will let me.  It's a real bummer.  But to be honest, I can learn new skills.  I must learn new skills.

It occurs to me that I am already choosing the wrong type of foods.  Where is my green smoothie?  Where are my salads at lunch?  Should I be eating bacon and eggs for breakfast?  (well, egg anyway).  Its time to rethink my diet and my choices.

I still have some more weight to lose, true...but even if I never lost another pound, I am leaning more towards regain in the attitudes I have developed lately.  It's not good.  Please don't let the honeymoon be over!

I am working on week 29 right now.  I am over 1/2 way through my first year.  I have noticed that I wake up in the morning and for the most part follow my normal routines. I get on my treadmill, I go for however long I allowed myself to based off how long I slept in.  I eat breakfast, and it's usually that egg and  2 slices of bacon.  (not such a good choice with the bacon).  I then pack a lunch of some kind of leftovers or maybe some Wendy's Chili and a yogurt with some fruit and cheese.  That will get me through the day.  Then I come home with absolutely no idea what's for dinner.  That starts the grazing habits that lead to beef jerky, cashews, cheese...you get the picture.  This isn't a good pattern. I need to shake things up!

I am going to work on a new plan.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Week 28 Post Op

I haven't been very good about updating here although I do think about it often. I know that I will wish that I had down the road.   So many changes have occurred in the past 28 weeks.  The other day my husband and I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few items and on the way in I saw a girl that used to be on my team at work (I was her boss) and when I greeted her, she honestly didn't recognize me.  I had to actually tell her who I was.  It was a little embarrassing to be honest, but once she realized it was me, she grabbed me and hugged me.  Her expression was either total shock or astonishment.  I have to keep asking myself if it can truly be that I have changed that much?  It doesn't seem like it's possible that I would be that much changed.

I had a pretty rough week, however, despite these kind of experiences.  My eating has been out of control and actually rather like bingeing.  Jim was home for the week, so we ate out a few times and he had a lot of snack foods that I helped myself to.  I have discovered that my pouch doesn't seem to have any issue with M&M's as well as a donut or other miscellaneous bad for me items.  If I factor in a stress-filled week at work, well...you get the picture.  I have GOT TO buckle down this week and take better care of myself.  If it weren't for the fact that I have tried to keep up with all my exercise I would have gained a lot more than the .4 lbs that I have to report.  But, still, I am down to 170.4 from 247 since surgery. It's significant!

This morning I got on the treadmill and made it count!  I ran for about 20 minutes all total, but did cardio for about 47 minutes total.  I am determined to make ground this week and improve on my habits.  When "normal" people have a few days of bad eating and not exercising, they don't usually give up and keep up that same behavior.  I am trying very hard to be like this because the old Shelley would say she is doomed and continue on along that same path until all the weight is back.  Plus some more.  I made a picture collage this morning and it's really quite astounding to me.  This is me at quite likely my highest weight ever.  It was the day of my 1st son's wedding.  What a time to look and feel your worst.  To give myself some credit, I had been going through some very low and depressing times in my life and I am sure these were contributors to my weight gain, but be that as it may, I am in all of my sons photos looking this way.  The side by side photo is this past weekend.  Quite a transformation!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Week 25 Post Op

Week 25!  I can't believe it has been almost 6 months since I had my surgery.  It's been an amazing journey.  If I were reading this blog, I would want to know about the stats, so here they are.  My all time highest weight was a couple years ago at 277 lbs.  I would have to look up the exact date, and I don't even know if this was my highest weight, but it was one that was recorded.  I started this journey (as well as this blog) nearly a year ago, in June of 2016.  You can read all about that process on other posts, but in the end I had my surgery on November 15, 2016, with a starting weight of 247 lbs.  For week 25, I weighed in at 172.8.  That's a loss since surgery, of 74.2 lbs and a total loss from my highest recorded weight, of 104.2 lbs!  WOW!


What does all of this mean in the big scheme of things?  It means I am very close to be done with this part of the process.  My surgeon never gave me a goal weight to achieve, but I do meet with his office next week, so I am going to ask those questions to see when I should slow this rodeo down and start the whole maintenance process.  My guess is, they will want me to lose another 20 pounds, but maybe not?


I am wearing (comfortably) a size 8-10 in pants.  For shirts I am still at a large, although sometimes a medium works out fine.  As a comparison, I started out wearing a size 18-20 pants and 22-24 blouses.  And all of this is only in 6 months!


What is it like to lose this much weight, this fast?  Well, for starters, it's pretty amazing.  I feel amazed quite frequently at many, many aspects of being a smaller more normal sized woman.  My brain hasn't really caught up to the excitement of it all, however, so sometimes I don't "get" the comments made by others on how small I look.  Or comments such as, "You have to be about done losing weight now?!".  I still, for the most part, feel like the same person inside with the same insecurities and want to scoff at the compliments.  I am trying really hard to be gracious though, and accept them. 
Here is a list of positives:
  • I can run!  I completed the couch 25K and finished off running for 35 minutes straight.  whew!
  • I can walk up and down stairs all day!  I went up and down my stairs the other day just doing routine chores.  35 flights.  I didn't experience anything negative afterwards. No sore muscles, no joint pain.  Just normal stuff.
  • I can eat pretty much anything now, albeit a much smaller portion.  I am still trying to focus on protein first.  It fills me up the fastest and is better for me.
  • My diabetes seems to be gone or nearly gone!  I haven't checked my blood sugar regularly, but did the last 2 mornings.  103!  That's amazing!  I see my pcp next month so she will check my A1C again and we will see where I am.
  • I feel generally happier.  I still have bouts of anxiety at times and stress but these are usually unrelated to how I feel about my physcial appearance and health in general.
There have been a few negatives too...
I am going bald.  I have probably lost more hair than I still have.  It's terribly embarrasing and has brought on an anxiety that I had never experienced before.  I am working on solutions to this and hope and pray that all the experts are right and this is just a temporary situation.  I have found some little stray baby hairs, so am hopeful it will grow back even better than before.  Hope...hope....


So, that's my update!  Pictures to follow soon!

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Days Going By

I haven't been very good at updating at this blog in the last few weeks.  Things are going pretty good though and I think other than an extreme slow down to weight loss, I have been maintaining things fairly well.  

I am on week 7 of the couch to 5K program, which means I am now running for 20 minutes straight.  I think I am going to be up to 25 minutes on my next day.  Other than a feeling of accomplishment to be able to do all that running, as I am not sure I could have done that as a younger person, I find that it really rather boring.  I am about 8 minutes into the run and think to myself that I'd like to stop now because I am bored, but for principle sake, I continue on.  So, my thoughts are, I will finish this program and then only use running in between walking to keep things interesting, but not as an ultimate fitness goal.

My last weigh in, I was down to 175.9.  Thats a total loss since surgery of 71.1 lbs, and from my highest recorded weight, 101.1!! That's really crazy to me.  I remember being that weight and holding it as my dirty little secret.  Sure, I can remember weighing in the 170's, but the majority of my adult life has been spent over 200 lbs, and until surgery, way over 200 lbs.  I would have friends or even adult sons, that mentioned their current weight and it being around my size now, and my personal demons whispered in my ear that I was a whole person larger than them.

I don't kid myself that I am now normal sized and this is the end of the show, but I do feel closer to "normal" than I have been in many, many years. The last time I was at this size, I was still in my 20's and struggling with all kinds of body dysmorphia.  

Is it easy?  No, it's not.  My capacity is much more than of months past and I find that the less healthy something is to eat, the easier it is to go down.  What that means is, chocolate, crackers, halo top ice cream, (probably chips), nuts, all go down fine.  The things that I have difficulty eating a lot of are dense proteins, like chicken, fish, pork and beef.  It's too bad too because I really want to eat those things to make certain I am getting enough protein, but usually I can't eat more than a few bites because of the yuck factor.  I do seem to do fine with beans and cottage cheese, eggs and cheese.

This entry doesn't have a lot of flow to it because my thoughts are very disjointed this morning,  but I knew I was long overdue for an update.  I will try to come again soon and try to lay down some more cohesive thoughts.
3 Generations....

Monday, April 10, 2017

Obese to Overweight

It's been some time since I last updated here at my blog.  Things are going fine, if not very slow.  I haven't had a significant loss of weight in awhile, although I am still losing weight, so thats good.  What I believe is my biggest obstacle is me.  I have been allowing myself too many treats.  Even if the treats are sugar free they are not calorie free and make me want other things that aren't very good for me.  I also have allowed myself a little bread here and there, and potatoes.  I am not cooking these things and preparing them myself, but if at a restaurant, it's a side item to my meal, I have been allowing myself the opportunity.  Is any of this OK?  No, it's not.  It snuck up on me rather slowly, a little this and that and then finding out my system seems to handle it fine, I have it again and again.  Anyway, I am sure this is affecting my weight loss.  It's time to get it under control.  I am at 5 months now and almost 1/2 way through my losing weight window, so I can't give it up now!

But, one really exciting thing that happened about a week ago is here.  No longer is my BMI considered to be obese, but has moved to Overweight!  It's funny to be happy about being overweight, but considering the alternative....it's fantastic.


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Trying on New Sizes - Saturday Adventures in Shopping

Yesterday wasn't a typical Saturday as I went to town on my own while my husband stayed home and worked on some house painting and organizing of his collection room. I started my day with a gel manicure as a reward for all my hard work and progress. From there I went to the mall to find some clothes for work.

I don't think I have ever shopped at Old Navy before, but was pleasantly surprised at the cute clothes I found there. I am still somewhat in a quandary when I try clothes on as to what size I should be taking into the dressing room with me. So,for good measure, I took in some size 12's, and size 10's and a few tops to try. Honestly, I was feeling more optimistic about the 12's, but the ones I have currently keep falling off of me and I am tired of the baggy rear look. The first pair were some cropped boyfriend jeans. These were 10's. They were very relaxed and not snug at all. I felt they were going to become too loose too fast so I set them aside and tried on everything else. I ended up with some clearance size 10's and those cropped jeans. On a whim, I went to find a pair of 8 in the same style and sure enough...those came home with me!
These are the Old Navy size 8's.  Of course, as mentioned, the upper half of me doesn't quite match the bottom half of me. But, I will get there!


JC Penney and then Kohl's were my next stop. Another pair of cropped gray jeans and a series of tops. Overall, I'd call the day a success! Now I have some clothes for work so I'm not wearing the same 3 tops and saggy jeans every day!
I think this was my favorite blouse and jeans combo.  This is basically my style and I was happy to find a top I liked.

This blouse was really "wide" and billowy.  I think it's supposed to be that way, but what I really liked was the soft colors and the print.  Plus, I think it looked pretty good with the gray jeans.  It will require a tank underneath though, because it's very sheer.

I had mixed emotions about this blouse.  The color and print aren't really me, but I liked the fact that it had the bell sleeves and was very soft and comfy.

this was so cheap on clearance that I went ahead and got it.  It has some pretty lacy trim across the bottom and in the back, and at this point fits a bit snug...but in a month or so I think it will be fine, despite warmer weather on the way.

this has a weird angle because of the 3 mirrors overlapping.  The shirt was really just for fun and to make my husband smile.  It worked!

In looking at these photos it occurs to me that as I lose weight it seems to be mainly off of my lower body and that's why the smaller sized pants are getting rapidly smaller. And while I have definitely reduced my upper body, I'm still looking disproportionate. With about 35 more lbs to lose, it makes sense there's still time for things to even out.

After my shopping spree, I did food shopping and picked up a pizza for Jims dinner and came home. I, of course, made my fathead pizza with black olives and pineapple.  It's my favorite combo right now since the crust and cheese has enough protein on its own.

The rest of the day I worked on crotcheting a slouchy beanie, just for fun. Good day!

Friday, March 24, 2017

Doctor Day and New Sizes

I am taking a moment to write before I go get ready for work.  Today I visit my PCP and she is going to go over the latest blood work numbers with me.  I did see a sneak peek of my results online, so I know I did pretty good!  But, I will talk about that later.

I seem to be bouncing back and forth in weight again this week, but that's ok.  I know my size 11/12 jeans are falling off of me.  It's strange how quickly that happened because I only bought them a month ago and they were tight enough I almost didn't buy them.  On Wednesday I went shopping on my lunch hour.  Actually it was just looking as I didn't buy anything, but I digress.  I took a couple pairs of size 10's into the dressing room, along with some medium tops.  Just to see...

The size medium tops were a bit snug still, and that's fine, but my arms fit in them pretty well, which is a milestone all on its own.  I do have an issue in the way my arms look now.  I have lost a lot of weight in my upper arms, so that has left behind a lot of wrinkly skin.  And because I am no spring chicken anymore, that wrinkly skin is apparent in almost every position I have my arm.  As we are moving into the warmer weather soon, it's going to be really difficult to find shirts with long or 3/4 length sleeves.  I am not sure how that's going to work out.

As to the jeans....at least one of those size 10 jeans fit me TOO LOOSE!  Yes, it's true.  I am going to try on some other ones this weekend and hopefully pick up a few things I can wear to work.  Each different brand of jeans fits a bit differently. Sometimes, even the kind of fabric or color the jeans are in the same style can fit differently, so I am going to try on a few different ones and see if I can find something I am happy with.

Dr. visit update:
My physician was very happy with the fact I have been able to reduce my A1C to 5.9!!  YAY!  So, from 10.2 to 5.9.  This puts me in the "normal" range.  She also found that my lipid panels were great and my cholesterol was in the normal range.  Additionally, my blood pressure looked very good as well.  And, all of this has contributed to my well being and she recommends I start reducing my use of anti-depressants until I am weaned off.  So, here is what went down with medications.  I was taking 1000 mg Metformin, for my diabetes.  She now wants me to take 500 mg and only 1 time a day.  The Lisinopril, for my blood pressure, is currently 10 mg a day, and she'd like me to cut that in half and take only 5 mg a day.  I can completely stop taking Simvastatin for my cholesterol and as for the Wellbutrin for my depression, she'd like me to take that every other day for a couple weeks to wean myself off of them.

I call this a great success!!

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Sometimes the Numbers on the Scale Don't Tell the Whole Story

Recently, I have noticed that the number on the scale isn't always indicative of what's really happening off the scale.  I have noticed my jeans getting looser in both the hips/tummy and thighs, even though the scale seems to fluctuate within the same 2-3 pounds.  I am not really all that worried about the numbers on the scale when it occurred to me I am already pretty pleased with the weight I currently am.  Sure, I want to get to a "goal" weight, but all in all...its not a race.    I do believe I will probably level out around a size 7 or 8 jeans.  My tops will probably be a medium.  I am still wearing a size 11/12 jeans and Large top...but that day is coming.  And, it's all pretty amazing.

I went to my PCP's office today to get my blood work done.  I am a little anxious to see what those results will be.  I return on Friday to discuss the numbers with my doctor.  I am hoping my A1C will be close to the normal range.  I confess that I am not 100% perfect in everything I eat.  I have taken a nibble here and there on a small piece of chocolate or a cookie.  It's a shame that those things don't affect me with dumping or something, but so far they never have.

Today marks my week 18 since VSG surgery.  My total weight loss since surgery is 65.7 lbs.  In looking at my weight chart and progress, I really have had a pretty steady loss all along the way.  I think I think there are fluctuations up and down, but really, that's just from my weighing myself every day.  In looking at the bigger picture..it steady downward progress!!

The best non scale victory (NSV) I have had lately is this:
Not only can I cross my legs, comfortably, for a long period of time, but I can do it sitting at my desk or a table and there is room for both of them to slide under there.  Plus, I have discovered how much more comfortable it is to sit that way, because it takes some of the pressure off of my tail bone which has been losing a lot of its cushy padding lately.

Last evening, I went to dinner with my son, Brandon, and his family.  After dinner, his wife took a picture of the 2 of us together so I could send it to another son, Trey, that currently lives out of state and hasn't seen me since November.  I decided to pair it up with a picture that was taken of me about the same time I decided to have surgery.  Obviously, the 2 pictures aren't like poses, but I think there is definitely some comparison's to be shared.



Thursday, March 16, 2017

4 Month Post Op, the Flu, and Realizations

The cold I developed over the weekend has turned into the full-fledged flu.  I left work early on Tuesday, and here it is Thursday and I am still not ready to return to work.  I did try to get up and try to motivate this morning, but I had no strength to follow through on anything and realized as I sat there staring at myself in the mirror with my head pounding and the clock ticking by that I wasn't going to make it work.  I just have no strength to get myself into gear.  So, I called into work and told them I wouldn't be in.  I had to call my former supervisor because I don't even have the new one's number in my phone.  I am sure he will be impressed to know that, but I do have it at work.  Between the change in teams, how woefully behind I am at my job and then these missing days, I predict I will spend a Saturday afternoon at the office, trying to catch up on things.  To top it all off, I feel a fever blister developing on my upper lip.  Stressed much?

I have officially made it to 4 month post-op. (see weight chart for the numbers) Its a pretty big milestone for me.  I have really been craving things though.  I don't even know what it is I am craving, but I just feel the need to eat and eat and eat.  I am suddenly seeing how it could be possible to regain weight as some food goes down pretty easy...the kinds of foods that aren't good for me anyway.  Luckily, I don't feel this way all the time, but when I do, I drive myself crazy with the thoughts in my head.  It's all very frustrating because I know I worked very hard to get myself to the place that I am; both pre-op and the stress and angst with all the insurance issues and approvals I waited and waited for, to the recovery from surgery and adjusting to an entire change in my life as I know it.  There is absolutely no excuse for giving into urges to eat crappy food.  And I have been woefully negligent in stocking my fridge and pantry appropriately to support myself when these things come up.  If I had a go-to "good" meal to eat or even a snack to eat, it would make a big difference.  So, I need to get myself together and take better care of me.

In one of my recent videos I made a comment about an experience I had where I witnessed someone eating a very large portion of food, where I knew they had weight loss surgery at one point in their life, and I experienced a moment of fear and awe that it would someday be possible to eat like that again.  I felt a little bad because my comment was somewhat judgmental, I think, and I honestly didn't mean to sound that way, but I think it could have been taken that way.  Some of the thoughts I had after that video and responses to comments, I thought I'd share here:

I don't think anything about this process, for me anyway, has been a quick or easy fix, but I sure have zero regrets. It was probably a good thing I saw the lady eating all the pizza because it was a wake up call that I need to focus on my journey and not on someone else's. The last thing I want to be or appear to be is judgmental of another person's choices. Heavens know I have made my fair share of bad choices and gaining weight after any "diet" is right up there among my more shameful. I have started to experience slider food experiences just recently. I was digging into a bowl of Halo Top ice cream the other evening which also had 1/2 sliced banana in it. It was an appropriate serving size (according to the label) but logically I knew it was by volume, more than I would normally eat. I had no problem eating it down to the last bite. No feelings of restriction at all. And...I am not even a sweets or ice cream person to begin with. So, if someone opened a bag of cheese puffs around me, I'd hate to think of how many of those I could inhale before enough was enough. I am being long winded here, but I think the last week or so I have come to the realization that I will need to continue to put the work in for the rest of my life. I am ever so grateful that this tool is helping get to that more "normal" weight in order to do so. The statistics of someone being 100 lbs overweight and losing without the extra help are quite dismal and I know I spend a whole lot of years battling that and losing time and time again.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

New Schedule

Over the weekend I developed a bit of a cold that is really affecting me in the mornings and giving my all to any kind of exercise routine.  It's Tuesday, and I did accomplish some work on the treadmill, but not nearly as intense or motivated as I should be. Additionally, my work schedule changed this week to an 8-5 shift.  In some ways that's good and just in time with the daylight savings time change that occurred over the weekend, but in other ways its not so great because my alarm went off at 4:30 this morning so I could try and get my 70-90 minutes on the treadmill.  Clearly, I need to reevaluate my priorities.  Particularly sleep!

I think I will dedicate more exercise time in the evenings now, because I was fairly miserable out there in my dismal garage so early in the morning.  It's just inhumane.

I had yesterday off from work, so today will be my first official day back to work since they have assigned me a new team to supervise at work.  I am still dealing with my life sorted into bins and not put away as I cleared things out of my original desk to make room for the new lead, and have things piled everywhere at the new desk.  I plan on hitting the ground running, however, and do the best that I can.  I deliberated calling in sick this morning because I don't really feel up to standard with this lousy crud running through my sinuses, but after exercising and eating my breakfast, I think I can make it through the day.

Here's hoping!

Over the weekend, my husband and I went out of town for a little get away.  He stopped along the freeway so I could pose under a sign for a small town named after me.  (or maybe that's just a coincidence?)


Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Week 16

I have been meaning to write here all week, but then I don't come in and do that.  I thought I would try and a few lines this evening before I go to bed.  It's been a really rough week for me.  I had a few disillusionments at work; not being impressed with the way I was treated by someone I had respected.  I will get over it and move on, but it sure is mentally exhausting when that occurs.  I only need to make it through one more day, however, and I am off for a 4 day weekend.  I have been trying to give myself a 3 day weekend once a month this year.  I added another day this week though, because my husband thought it might be nice for him and I to go out of town overnight.  No one is more ready than me to do that!

I had a nice weight loss this week.  I updated the information on my weight chart, but I have made it to 60 lb weight loss!  Actually, a little over that.  I have also been working the late shift this week, so not getting home until nearly 9pm hasn't been the best experience for me.  I just keep telling myself this evening....one more day, one more day!

I will try and write more in the morning.  Sleep is what I need right now.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Zoodles Shrimp Scampi

On a whim, I bought a Veghetti vegetable spiralizer.  I've seen videos and such where zucchini has replaced pasta, and I like zucchini, so thought it might be worth a shot.

Here was my finished meal:

The recipe:

1 TBSP butter
2 tsp olive oil
1 mushroom, diced (optional)
finely chopped garlic (I used about 2 cloves)
3 oz raw shrimp, peeled and deveined
1 small zucchini, spiraled
1/2 lemon, zest and juice
salt, pepper
1/4 cup shredded parmesan cheese
red pepper flakes to taste

1.  heat olive oil and butter in skillet
2.  add mushroom and garlic and saute on medium heat
3.  toss in shrimp and cook on both sides until pink
4.  Add zucchini noodles, toss with shrimp'
5.  season with lemon zest, juice, salt and pepper
6.  toss all together until noodles cook down
7.  toss in cheese and red pepper flakes
8.  Serve immediately

Nutrition:
Calories: 385
Fat:  27.1
Carbs:  8.9
Protein:  28

Granted, the fat content is a bit high, but I couldn't really finish this, and adding more shrimp and zoodles, could have easily stretched this to 2-3 servings.  I don't think I would have needed to adjust the fat content.  This is one of those recipes worth taking a shot.  The lemon and garlic were quite nice and the texture of the zoodle wasn't all that bad.

Will I make it again?  Ask me when I am hungry again, because right now, I am stuffed!

Saturday, February 25, 2017

55.3% of Goal

As of this week, I am down 56.4 lbs.  I think in 14 weeks, that's a very good average.  In looking at the app I have on my phone, I am 55.3% to my goal, which is unrealistically set to 145 lbs, but I can be optimistic!  The surgeon said that he was hopeful I would lose at least 70% of my excess weight.  I don't want to jinx myself, but that goal doesn't seem too unreasonable at the rate of success I am having.  I would say I don't want to brag...but I really do!  And where else can I do that, than at my own blog.  :)

I finished up the healthy behaviors class this evening.  This was week 4, and it covered stress.  I do allow stress to get to me.  I think it's a big factor in my depression at times, and I most likely bring it on myself due to unrealistic expectations.  I'd like to say I am working on that, but honestly, I am sometimes not even aware until it's too late.  But, be that as it may, trying to be present and mindful can make a big difference.

I am trying to find some "before" pictures to share and compare.  It's more difficult than I anticipated because I have avoided cameras for the most part.  Although, I know there are many snapped of me holding a grandchild by their parent, taken more unaware, and then posted and tagged on Facebook. Oh yay.   So, I will gather some of those and post them soon.  I think they are mainly face shots though, as I don't know of many full body shots out there.

Today is Saturday and I had a nice sleep in until my dogs decided to pounce on me and let me know they wanted to be outside.  It's still relatively early however, so I think I will enjoy this lazy time before the hustle and bustle of the day begins.  

Friday, February 24, 2017

Fat Head Pizza

I have been craving pizza flavors for a week now.  I know I can't eat pizza because of the crust, but everything that goes on the pizza is relatively ok for me.  I heard about a thing called fat head pizza, and dismissed it because it does contain almond flour.  But, the more I thought about it, the more intrigued I became.  So I looked up the recipe and what goes into it and decided that it was worth a shot.  However, I knew there was no way I could consume an entire pizza, even as leftovers throughout the week.  I knew it would be a treat meal, in a way and not something I would want to eat many days in a row, but more of an occasional thing.  So, the idea came to me to make the dough into several small pizza crusts, bake them, and then freeze them for later use.  Here is how it went:

The recipe:

1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
2 T cream cheese
3/4 C Almond Flour
1 egg
pinch of salt
seasonings as desired.

1.  In a bowl, add the cheeses and flour, microwave for 1 minute on high
2.  stir well until appears to be stringy and hard to combine.  Microwave 30 seconds
3.  Add egg, salt and desired seasonings (I used thyme, rosemary, garlic powder and oregano)
4.  Mix well until a dough like consistency
5.  Press onto parchment lined pan (I divided into 6 mini pizzas) in a rounded shape with wet hands
6.  Using a fork, dock the circles well to minimize puffiness while baking
7.  Place in 425 degree oven for about 8-10 minutes or until browned (I flipped them at this point and baked an additional 3 minutes to make them a bit crispier
8.  add favorite toppings
9.  Bake an additional few minutes until toppings and cheeses are well melted

Here are some photos of the process.
Here is the dough divided into 6 parts.  I docked it with my fork to eliminate puffiness

Once they were baked, I flipped them over to brown both sides
My pizza with onions, mushrooms, pepperoni and olives.

And this was all I could eat.  Obviously, if I make this again, I need to make smaller pizza's; perhaps 8-10 portions.


I put the other half of my pizza in the fridge as a meal or snack to enjoy tomorrow.  I was extremely full after eating this portion, but it is a very dense and fat ridden food.  I believe this would be perfect for the Keto diet.  I am not personally on that diet, but a higher protein and fat diet is what I mainly have right now.  And, I am avoiding foods with flour right now.  Almond flour is different, and the amount was quite small when divided among so many portions.

Overall, I would call it a success.  It did taste good, didn't make me feel nauseated, and helped me get over that pizza craving issue.

When I recalculated the nutrition and divided the portions into 10 servings, here were the numbers:
Crust only:
Calories - 113
Fat (g) - 9.3
Carbs (g) - 2.6
Protein (g) - 6.8

Adding the desired toppings will change the totals of that, but it's a good starting point.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Week 14 POST OP

Today is my 54th birthday, and I am enjoying a day off from work.  Yesterday, I treated myself to a trip to the mall and trying on clothes to see how they fit.  Honestly, I was a bit surprised to find that I could wear a size 11/12 now!  I bought 2 pairs of jeans because I have been wearing the same size 14 jeans everyday for a while now.  The bad side is, today I wore the new jeans and they really are a bit too tight still.  I am debating whether I will wear them to work or not.  Honestly, the size 14's used to fit me the same way, but not anymore!  I saw a purse at Macy's that I really liked, and now have been debating all day whether I want to go back down there and buy it for myself.  What to do, what to do...?

I updated my weight chart a day early.  True, tomorrow is supposed to be my weigh in day, but since I am home today, I thought I could go ahead and weigh in anyway.  Work day mornings are sometimes a bit hectic for me.  This week I am down another 2.3 lbs, which brings me to a total loss of 56.4 lbs since November 15, 2016.  My goal was to be under 200 lbs by my birthday, and I definitely exceeded that goal.  Realistically, I have tried not to put date expectations on myself, and I continue to feel that way, but for many, many years I have always had some idea in the back of my mind that I'd like to be under 200 by the next birthday...and this year, I actually accomplished it.  It's pretty amazing if I take the time to let it all in and truly appreciate it.

Jim spoiled me pretty good for my birthday.  Unfortunately, he couldn't be here, but he hid some presents around the house.  He bought me a USB Superdrive for my new Mac Notebook and a Victorian Doll house with furniture.  I love doll houses.  I always wanted one when I was a girl, but of course, never had anything as extravagant as that.  Now I do.  My granddaughters are going to want to play with it.  He was smart though, and bought more pieces to the dollhouse I bought for the grandkids to play with so they won't be allowed to mess with Grandma's special one.  

Last evening, my son, Brandon and his family treated me to dinner at the Red Lobster.  I enjoyed shrimp skewers with some coleslaw and green beans.  I still have 1/2 the meal in the fridge.  It will be something I can enjoy tonight or even tomorrow for lunch at work.  Today, they said they were going to drop by in the afternoon too.  I received a text happy birthday from my oldest son, Jeremy, and a phone call from Jordan in Hawaii.  And yesterday, I heard from my son, Trey on his mission.  He is doing well, and that's the best present of all.  Even though, I have been home all alone today, I haven't let any depression seep in.  I feel loved and blessed and have nothing I should be sad about. In past years, I have let that happen to me, but I am not going to allow any pity parties today.  Everything is fine.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Amazing Journey

I looked back on all my progress and posts since my surgery and it's really been an amazing journey.  One of the main things I have picked up from the Healthy Behaviors classes I have been taking is that it's important to be present and aware of where I am, what I am doing and the steps I am taking.  Instead of just letting life happen around me,  I need to steer the direction it takes me.  A day can sometimes go by in a blur without really being mentally present and aware.  It's a strange phenomenon and I think I often allow this to happen when I have to deal with unpleasant things, but when I stop to be more aware, time moves along a little slower and I can participate more.  It's sounding more complicated than it really is.  But I think the most important aspect of this is that when head hunger or temptations come my way, being focused in what's affecting me at that moment to cause those feelings, and stopping to ask myself why I feel the way I do, and then if I truly can and do need or want what I am "craving" then I can make that decision with better information.

Food.  It's constantly on my mind, unless I am busy at work or working out on my treadmill, but maybe it's like that for everyone?  My husband has never had a weight issue, but when he is home, he eats almost constantly all day.  Lots of little snacks of this and that, but none ever very healthy.  When he is at work, he doesn't allow himself to eat much because he doesn't enjoy feeling overfull, especially since his work is mainly physical.  I admit that I sometimes have a difficult time watching him eat doughnuts, Cheetos, chocolate, etc.  I don't even necessarily want this stuff, but the idea of sitting and snacking along side of him enters my mind.  I am sure, down the road, when my sleeve isn't so constricted and I am able to eat more volume than I can now, those situations could be problematic and I will need to get a handle on my actions to avoid weight gain.  Just saying...it's a reality.  But, for now, I am trying to keep those actions and temptations under control.

Today being Sunday, I am doing my usual lazy day activities.  I did commit to a weekend step challenge and am in last place.  I told myself that I would try to get in a walk, either outside (since the snow is no longer an issue) or back on my treadmill.  I confess to being pretty lazy most weekends,  but really make up for it from Monday -Friday. This week, however, I have Monday and Tuesday off from work and plan on enjoying that time for myself.  Tuesday is my 54th birthday.  I plan on either that day or Monday, taking myself out for a clothes shopping spree.  Happy Birthday to me!  My size 14 jeans are getting fairly loose on me and after a few hours, bagging around my hips.  I doubt that I can comfortably wear a size 12, but I want to see if its a possibility.  Additionally, I plan on packing up the closet of clothes I own that are so large I don't even bother with them, and donating them to charity.  There are some really nice clothes in there too...but, I don't plan on wearing them again, so it would be best to let someone else appreciate them for awhile.

I also plan to take some current  photos and find some pre-surgery photos for a comparison to share here.  I haven't intentionally avoided this, but the time has gone by fast, and I haven't taken the opportunities that I could have.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Stepping Up

I updated my weight chart recently and noticed some discrepancies in weeks post-op and dates, etc.  I think I was even confused in some of these blog posts as far as the correct week I was on, etc.  I believe I have that all corrected now, however, so it feels more straightened out.  At least digitally.  I think my brain might still be confused though!

I have met my steps goals consistently for 4 weeks now, and the biggest motivator is being included in step challenges on my Fitbit.  I do find however, that I sometimes can't backdown from a challenge, and though I rarely win 1st place in the challenge (although I did win the week of 2/6-2/10) I am still very motivated to do my best effort.  This past Friday was one of those pushing myself a little too far and went a little bit overboard.  But, I could do it, and I am no worse for the wear, but here were the results.


I don't plan on being this extreme, at least with walking, all the time.  And I know that I really need to  add in some additional weight training to shake things up a little bit.  I am not overly fond of using weights though and am not even sure if I am capable of this, but was thinking I could add some push-ups or sit ups to my routine so that I am pushing my own body weight as opposed to adding weight to lift.  My 54th birthday is coming up in a few days and I honestly am not certain how much I should push this tired old body.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Goal Setting


Living in onederland is pretty awesome.  Now that I have lost 50+ pounds it's exciting to consider that I am looking so much more "normal" than I was previously, and feeling extremely better physically.  I still haven't set up any specific goals after dropping below 200 lbs, as that was kind of the main focus for so many years and I honestly lived with that dream to get under but secretly didn't believe it would ever happen.  So, here I am.

On my Fitbit, I set a mini goal to get to 185 lbs, so a few more pounds and I will be there.  I guess I could try and create something that breaks it down, so here is where my thinking is.  I will NOT set time limits on these goals, however.  I think time limits are a fast way to set up unrealistic expectations and then there is so much disappointment when the goal isn't achieved.  So, instead, I will just set these up as milestones.  Here is how they have gone so far:



Goals
Starting 247 11/15/2016
Under 240: 11/23/2016
Under 230: 11/27/2016
Under 220: 12/16/2016
Under 210: 1/4/2017
Under 200: 1/29/2017
185
175
170
165
160
155
150
145


I have finally updated my weight chart so it's fun to go in and take a look at the progress I have made.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

11 Weeks - Surgeon Office follow Up

This marks 11 weeks since surgery. I had an appointment with the surgeon's office and they seemed pleased with my progress.  Rachel said that I have lost about 41% of my excess weight.  She'd like me to drop another 20 lbs and then I can start to reintroduce whole grains.  Sounds like a party to me!  I believe I need to lose about 70% of my excess weight to get to that stage, so I think I will watch that so I can take the most advantage of what this post-op honeymoon period.

Many of the youtube vloggers I watch are coming up on their year post op.  Most have either reached or come very close to their goal weight.  It sure is exciting to see that happen.  And, it also makes me realize how many months I spent last year working towards getting this surgery and now the aftermath.  It hasn't been a super long time, but a lot has happened.

My weight loss peaked at the number I reported a couple days ago when I made it to Onederland.  I am pretty sure, however, I will make some more progress to report next week.  I'd like to get well under the 200 mark so I don't see that fluctuation bring me back above.

Between my new Aria scale and the doctor scale, it might actually put the Aria scale a little heavier.  That's quite a change. Usually doctor scales weight me a couple pounds heavier, but I was fully clothed in jeans, etc and I weighed in at just a bit over 201 lbs this morning.  I believe this morning in my altogether, I was only a  bit over a pound less than that.  Interesting.  I did pitch a mini-fit though.  We had some more snow this morning, so I wore a pair of boots and the nurse would not let me take them off before weighing.  I don't see that as being a very weigh in!  She said they had someone fall at the scale before, so for liability sake, no one is allowed to remove their shoes.  I grumbled enough about it that she let me go into my room, take my boots off while sitting down, and then she led me back to the scales to re-weigh.  It was nice of her.  I think I will try to be better prepared next time though and wear some sandals or something.  These things matter!  It will be May before I see them again, however, so weather could have drastically changed by then too.

One thing I did get while at the appointment, was a card to use in restaurants that should grant me a reduced price on menu items.  Such as, being allowed to order from the children's menu or the senior menu.  I am not sure how well these will work, but I will try it out this weekend.  My husband mentioned that he wanted to go eat out on Saturday afternoon.

Rachel also took me off the omeprazole and prescribed me some zantac instead.  She said that the omeprazole may cause some loss of calcium, and that's the last thing I need at this stage in my life.  I haven't really experienced acid reflux, which can be a problem after a sleeve procedure, but then again, the medication may have been preventing it.  I am very hopeful when I visit my pcp in April, more medications can be reduced or even eliminated.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Another Day...Another Day


I have been struggling again with feeling a bit low in spirits.  I have tried my best to stay motivated, however, and working on my physical goals.  I can easily walk for an hour to an hour and a half a day, I count my steps with my Fitbit, sometimes breaking it up with some light running.  My food is primarily on track although I think I listen to head hunger a little too much in the evenings and go look for that little bite of this and that.  They really don’t amount to much, and I usually count the details of it, but I know I don’t need it and shouldn’t be seeking out  food to fix my emotions.  My size 14 jeans are initially snug when I first put them on, but as the day wears on, they get looser and looser.  Of course, with my non-waist issue, I never really fit anything around the waist and always have some pudge hanging over the top of the waist band.  Who knows if that will ever go away.
 
The shrinking me is not looking so good without clothes to cover up the wrinkly skin.  It looks all jiggly and wobbly and when I bend my legs or arm, it crinkles up like an old lady.  I get that I don’t have elasticity in my skin like in my youth, but this is sad to see.  I think I have to ask myself if it’s better than full of plump fat, or loose and empty of fat.  My husband keeps telling me not to worry because it will eventually tighten up, but I don’t think that it really will.  But, I will keep working on things and hope some redistribution goes on that will balance everything out.  One thing he did say though, or words to this effect were, “this is what you wanted, you have to live with the results”.  He didn’t mean this in a cruel way, but it still affected me because it hurt a little bit.  Sure, I’d like to hear some platitudes that I am great looking or sexy still, but honestly, I am not sure I would believe it.  *sigh
 
Today, I am having a fat day.  Of course, it’s not any different than on Sunday when I was so excited to see my scale where it was, but in my head, I guess, it feels different.  I wonder why I do this to myself and can’t just be content with things and accepting of myself.  I say the words but don’t necessarily live them.  There seem to be a lot of things going on with me right now and I am not sure how to process it all.
 
I am an empty-nester.  The house is big and quiet when I get home and have my dogs for company.  It’s still dark outside when my work day is done and very cold this winter.  I am constantly cold and when I eventually do crawl into bed, I just go immediately to sleep.  Then do it all over again the next day.  I really miss my son.  Even though he was often away or spent time with his friends, I knew he was there and a companion for me.  If I asked him to join me for dinner, he would, and we would see a movie occasionally or go shopping.  I am proud of him for the changes he has made towards growing up and helping others, but I do miss him.  For the past 32 years, I have had a child at home with me in one capacity or another.  Whether all 4 sons, or only down to 1, it was never just me.  But now it is.  I am grateful that my husband comes home on the weekends.  It helps to have the human comfort, and I could try harder to be more social with others, but I don’t really have that in me.  I am trying not to have a pity party.  Life is still out there in front of me….I am just not quite sure where I fit into it all.  Possibly, I should try to see a counselor or someone that I can talk things through with.  I need to find me in the midst of all this change.
 
Tomorrow evening, I do start a behavioral class (group) with the psychologist that visited with me before my surgery.  I am hopeful that I can glean something from this that will help me adjust to my surgery and the changes I am going through.  Sure, the changes are dramatic, but I don’t find myself focusing on that part as much as I thought I would.  I mean, I am not focusing on the limited food intake or missing old foods and such.  Yes, it happens sometimes, but overall, I just accept it.  I really think what I am going through goes deeper than that, and it’s quite likely it’s very normal for this time in my life.  I really miss my mom.  How I would love to be able to sit and visit with her and tell her my feelings and thoughts.  She had a way of really supporting me and and being my shoulder in life.  And now, I just feel really petty when I try to express deep feelings with others.  I have tried a little bit with my older sister, and I come away feeling a bit ashamed of myself because I have so much going positive in my life without the constant life struggle (financially), and she is focused in her life more on that financial struggle.  Money doesn’t fix all things, but when you have none (and I have lived this), you really think it would fix most of them.  I have to keep telling myself that I am blessed and be grateful.