Thursday, March 16, 2017

4 Month Post Op, the Flu, and Realizations

The cold I developed over the weekend has turned into the full-fledged flu.  I left work early on Tuesday, and here it is Thursday and I am still not ready to return to work.  I did try to get up and try to motivate this morning, but I had no strength to follow through on anything and realized as I sat there staring at myself in the mirror with my head pounding and the clock ticking by that I wasn't going to make it work.  I just have no strength to get myself into gear.  So, I called into work and told them I wouldn't be in.  I had to call my former supervisor because I don't even have the new one's number in my phone.  I am sure he will be impressed to know that, but I do have it at work.  Between the change in teams, how woefully behind I am at my job and then these missing days, I predict I will spend a Saturday afternoon at the office, trying to catch up on things.  To top it all off, I feel a fever blister developing on my upper lip.  Stressed much?

I have officially made it to 4 month post-op. (see weight chart for the numbers) Its a pretty big milestone for me.  I have really been craving things though.  I don't even know what it is I am craving, but I just feel the need to eat and eat and eat.  I am suddenly seeing how it could be possible to regain weight as some food goes down pretty easy...the kinds of foods that aren't good for me anyway.  Luckily, I don't feel this way all the time, but when I do, I drive myself crazy with the thoughts in my head.  It's all very frustrating because I know I worked very hard to get myself to the place that I am; both pre-op and the stress and angst with all the insurance issues and approvals I waited and waited for, to the recovery from surgery and adjusting to an entire change in my life as I know it.  There is absolutely no excuse for giving into urges to eat crappy food.  And I have been woefully negligent in stocking my fridge and pantry appropriately to support myself when these things come up.  If I had a go-to "good" meal to eat or even a snack to eat, it would make a big difference.  So, I need to get myself together and take better care of me.

In one of my recent videos I made a comment about an experience I had where I witnessed someone eating a very large portion of food, where I knew they had weight loss surgery at one point in their life, and I experienced a moment of fear and awe that it would someday be possible to eat like that again.  I felt a little bad because my comment was somewhat judgmental, I think, and I honestly didn't mean to sound that way, but I think it could have been taken that way.  Some of the thoughts I had after that video and responses to comments, I thought I'd share here:

I don't think anything about this process, for me anyway, has been a quick or easy fix, but I sure have zero regrets. It was probably a good thing I saw the lady eating all the pizza because it was a wake up call that I need to focus on my journey and not on someone else's. The last thing I want to be or appear to be is judgmental of another person's choices. Heavens know I have made my fair share of bad choices and gaining weight after any "diet" is right up there among my more shameful. I have started to experience slider food experiences just recently. I was digging into a bowl of Halo Top ice cream the other evening which also had 1/2 sliced banana in it. It was an appropriate serving size (according to the label) but logically I knew it was by volume, more than I would normally eat. I had no problem eating it down to the last bite. No feelings of restriction at all. And...I am not even a sweets or ice cream person to begin with. So, if someone opened a bag of cheese puffs around me, I'd hate to think of how many of those I could inhale before enough was enough. I am being long winded here, but I think the last week or so I have come to the realization that I will need to continue to put the work in for the rest of my life. I am ever so grateful that this tool is helping get to that more "normal" weight in order to do so. The statistics of someone being 100 lbs overweight and losing without the extra help are quite dismal and I know I spend a whole lot of years battling that and losing time and time again.

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