Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Getting Back On track

I am pretty proud that I just completed day 2 of getting up early enough to get on the treadmill.  Over all, yesterday I went a little higher than I should have at 1500 calories, but I don't think it was too bad.  I will try harder today to get closer to 1200.  My walking goal is 10000 steps, and I managed to get in 9500.  So close!  I was just ready for bed and didn't feel like pushing myself that last 500 steps.

Today is another day.  I will do better.  I already walked 6220 steps on the treadmill and had a protein shake.  I had intended to have an egg and a piece of toast but was already making the shake before I realized it.  Oh well!

Nothing much else to report.  It's time to get ready for work.

Monday, August 29, 2016

It's Been A Few Days

I haven't taken any time to update this blog since my sleep study results last Wednesday.  I have to admit I have been feeling discouraged because of the fact I am now being told I have sleep apnea, have to use a cpap machine for 30 days and then have the results discussed again with Dr. Sadaj before Dr. Korn gets the all clear to schedule my surgery.  I still think that the sleep study was a waste of time...even he said it was mild sleep apnea, but I will play the game.  And, once I get the all clear...if I can't tell this thing makes any difference in the quality of rest I get, I will make a decision then if it's something I will continue to use.  But, at least until a healthier weight is acquired, I will try to be a good girl and use the cpap.

If I could ever get the darn machine!  I have been waiting for Norco since Wednesday afternoon to call me to say when I can come in and get the thing.  Today I tried calling them to see what the hold up is, and every time I was sent over to a voicemail in their clinical department. Finally, at the end of the business day, I called Dr. Sadaj's office to see if they forgot to send the info to Norco...because it's been 5 days.  (Technically, 4 business days).  The girl on the other end assured me the info was sent, but she isn't sure why they wouldn't have contacted me yet.  She said she would contact them again, but since it was the end of business she expected they would contact me tomorrow morning.  I do hope so.  I don't want to have to reschedule my appointment for a later date with Dr. Sadaj.

Some new developments on the homefront.  My son, has sent his papers in for his mission.  He had his last interview Sunday, and I guess now it will be sent over to SLC to be reviewed.  We could know in a few weeks where he is to be sent.  It's exciting, and coming up sooner than we knew it would.  Of course, with my surgery, hopefully in October, he could also leave in October.  I guess I am concerned about the timing of the 2 events.  But, for my son, I would postpone my surgery to make sure that is taken care of first.

A part of me is ready to be an empty nester and another part of me wonders if it will be terrible to be so alone.  It's the way it's supposed to be though.  I guess now will be the time to take care of me. And since my husband is away from home about 75% of the time....I will get to test that out.

So, I have made a commitment, starting tomorrow, I am going to lose 10 pounds before I see the weight loss doctor next. That may not be until the end of September or even into October, but it's time I get back on track and do what I am supposed to do.  I have been entirely too relaxed and deliberately off track because of my attitude about all these things I am going through, no more nonsense.  It's a totally realistic goal and I can do it.  I don't have to lose more than 10, just the lost the 10 and maintain the loss until surgery.

My fitbit is charging and I am going to wake up and get on the treadmill tomorrow morning before work.  I will strive for 10,000 steps a day, count calories and drink lots and lots of water.  

Here I go!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Which Percentage Will Win Out?

Today I get to visit with the pulmonary doctor and see how my sleep study went.  I am about 75% sure he will say I do have sleep apnea and have set my mind that direction...and that this surgery I am looking forward to will be postponed longer while all of this is resolved.  I haven't even stopped to consider the reality of living with a mask on my face at night.  Especially since I usually wake up sleeping on my stomach.  :(

The other 25% is wildly optimistic that I am fine, he will wish me on my way and success with my journey...

After the terrible night I had while doing the sleep study, I can't imagine they would say that I am fine and can go on my merry way.  Realistically, it was the worse night of sleep I have had in recorded history...or at least I can remember, and I have had some pretty rough nights due to insomnia  So, I guess, at the very least, I should hope and pray they don't make me do it again.

Here is how it all went down....

Monday, August 22, 2016

Generations


I made a video over the weekend, which I will include here, but the gist of what I was trying to get across was my musings over whether I have missed the window of opportunity on my surgery based off my age.  Perhaps this is a little bit of gratuitous age discrimination on my part, but it is something I have been wondering and worrying about lately.  My husband and I went out to lunch on Saturday and he and I talked a little bit about this too.  He and I only have a 6 month difference in age (he being 6 months older) and we are both going through this thing where in our minds we haven’t aged at all, so we set out to do and accomplish things that we could do easily 5-10 years ago, but now find it to be a bit more difficult.  Or, we think we are still relevant to conversations or ideas and suggestions among others younger than us, and yet we have to stop and wonder if what we say or think or do is even relevant.
He and I are both in roles with our work, that requires us to manage other employees, and along with that comes requiring others to listen to us, do what we say, and negotiate in some way.  But, when it comes to our personal life and breaks down in the quiet moments in our lives, the world is passing us by…and for the most part we are fine with that.  So, to break it down a little bit more, does that also apply to my surgery?
The vlogs I watch on youtube or the blogs I’ve read usually have an author that are much younger.  I would have to guess that the age is somewhere between 27-40.  When I think back to me at that age, I was well aware of weight loss surgery, I didn’t fathom it would be something I would ever do, in fact, even up until a couple years ago, it wasn’t something I had considered.  To me, this is something very last resort….and being 53, I guess that is proof that it IS last resort.  But, did I wait too long?  Have I not given myself the time I need to enjoy a healthier life.  Sure sounds like a stupid thing to ask oneself!
I think a lot of this stems from the surgeon requiring this sleep study.  Yes, based off my weight…but I have been an overweight person for almost my entire life.  I have had 6 major surgeries…no one ever questioned whether my weight was a factor in their success.  But now, I am required to jump through extra hoops, based off more than my weight, but also my age.  Yuck.  In total honesty, it’s a good thing to be cautious.  I don’t want to die from complications that could have been avoided, but it raises new questions and worries in my mind.
Today is Monday, I meet with the pulmonologist on Wednesday.  I guess I will have to wait and see where this goes from here.  I feel so disconnected from the Bariatric group that I started this process with.  I probably need to see if there are any support group meetings out there to help…but I also have been resistant to going to those until I actually have the surgery.  In the meantime, I guess I will continue to read blogs, watch videos and try to see if anyone out there hears me.


Thursday, August 18, 2016

New Beginnings Video

I finally figured out how to make a video to share and thought I would go ahead and put that right here. 




 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Hump Day!

It's Wednesday, which means I am half way through my week.  That makes me happy.  Things are very busy at work and a lot of that is self-imposed because I am trying to fit in the entire month's requirements by this Friday.  The main reason that I want to do that is because next week I am taking Thursday, Friday and the following Monday off.  Possibly, my husband and I will take a trip to the Oregon coast, but that's still uncertain because of his work schedule, but even if we can't do that it will be great to have the time off.

Of course, next Wednesday I also see Dr. Sadaj again to hear the results of my sleep study.  It's anyone's guess how that will turn out, but I will be glad to know so I can get over the mountain.

This morning I am eating my protein shake with water instead of milk.  It tastes fine!  I feel kind of bad because I am still making bad choices in the evening.  Oh!  And I had a team meeting yesterday and they brought doughnuts.  You would think I could resist that?  I have before, but since I am supposed to be good that's probably why I didn't resist.  So, after that I came home from work and planned on not eating lunch and my son had made me lunch!  So, very sweet of him, and I ate it.  It was actually a healthy tuna fish sandwich and pear, but I wasn't hungry and ate it anyway.  I resisted snacking the entire afternoon and when I came home after work, he had also made dinner.  It was tacos...which is one of my favorite foods.  I think though, if I break it down, it wasn't terrible.  The tortillas were 90 calories each.  The meat was actually ground turkey, and other than a sprinkle of cheese, the toppings were just lettuce, tomatoes and salsa.  I take that back, there were olives and about a tablespoon of sour cream.  And I ate 3,  UGH!  Actually, 2 1/2, because I was very much done at that point.

Needless to say, this "diet" thing isn't going great.  But, this is another day!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Tuesday Morning

I didn't make it up this morning to go on a walk.  Yesterday I did manage to do well over 10K steps, but I noticed a lot of pain in my hips and joints that was concerning for just going on a walk in the morning.  I still plan on trying to get a couple short walks in today at work if I can make the time, and perhaps something small this evening too.  I think that's all well and good, but really I need to do something a bit more aggressive about eating right.  I almost always start the day out right, or at least, am in complete control all day until I get off work.  Then, it becomes a free for all.  Of course that leads to going to my bed with a very full tummy, which is not so good.

Yesterday was a pretty good example of that.  I had a shake in the morning, no morning snack (didn't need one) and then some bean soup for lunch.  No afternoon snack...I probably did need one, but there wasn't anything available, so I just drank more water flavored with crystal light.  I came home and filled my face with a couple ham sandwiches, (thin ones on diet bread with lean ham and 2% cheese slice...but I had TWO!) and quite a few peanuts.  Then my son came home and we got busy doing other things and he had thawed out some pork ribs and really wanted to cook them.  It was so late already, but I had some of those along with corn on the cob and about a 1/3 cup rice.  I DIDN'T NEED THIS EXTRA FOOD!

This morning I made myself another protein shake.  This time it's Dutch Chocolate Cake.  Again, 20 grams of protein whey isolate.  I added in 3/4 cup of 1% milk and 1/2 banana.  It was really very good.  When I throw in about 4 ice cubes and toss it all in my nutribullet, it's a nice taste and texture.

I will try to do better today!

Monday, August 15, 2016

Another Monday and time to kick it into gear

With my sleep study complete, I have met all requirements.  Of course, there is the reality of whether I passed the study and will be released for surgery, or whether there is more waiting to be done.  But, in the meantime, I have some things I can do.

The biggest reality is, I have been moaning and groaning about how much time all of this is taking and quite honestly, I could be trying a bit harder with my own goals.  My weight loss is non-existent and my exercise has gone back to nothing in the last couple weeks.

This morning, I made myself get on the treadmill again.  I walked, only walked, 37 minutes.  It's OK it wasn't running. My fitbit is standing at 4867 right now and that's not bad at all.  In fact, I believe I can get in my 10,000 step goal today if I take a couple breaks and go on a walk.  Or, maybe I can talk Trey into walking with me tonight.  Time will tell.  But, I am doing this walking thing,  If I can't make these habits now, it's not going to do me any good after surgery if I never get exercise.

I had ordered some protein powder from bariatriceating.com and tried out the white chocolate and strawberry shake for breakfast this morning.  I made it with 1% milk and a couple of ice cubes in my nutribullet.  It has that protein powder after taste that is hard to avoid, but its a bit like a strawberry Quick.  Not too bad.  20 grams of protein in the powder and an additional 6 in the 3/4 cup of milk.  I think that's a pretty good way to start my day.  I will take a cup of yogurt to work with me for a snack later as well.

So, no more excuses and being lazy.  It's time for me to do my part.  And I can do this!

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Sleep Study

Last night was my sleep study. I was required to show up at 8PM, so my husband picked me up after work at 6:00 and we went out to dinner. After that we browsed around Barnes and Noble until time to arrive. The sleep study techs names was Erin. She was very friendly and tried to make the experience a little more "normal" than it actually was, because there was nothing normal about this night. Erin hooked me up with little gizmo electrode things that adhered to my skin with something that resembled sticky toothpaste. She attached these wires to my shins, chest, behind me ears, on top of my head and all over my face. All these many wires she plugged into some funky contraption and placed the whole deal around my neck and told me she'd be back in an hour to tuck/plug me in.

I tried to make myself as comfortable as I could for the next hour, watching videos on my iPad and looking at facebook. Eventually she came back in and plugged all the kazillion of wires up and then stuck a monitor on the 3rd finger of my left hand, hooked a nasal cannula in my nostrils and told me she was going to run some tests to make sure everything was working right.

From a speaker system she directed me to close my eyes, look in different directions, blink my eyes, move my feet, grind my teeth, etc. it was strange and awkward. She then told me to settle in and get some sleep, but that all light are out by 11PM. By this time it was 9:45PM, so I "tried" to get comfortable and continued to watch some videos until about 10:30PM. I actually was feeling a little drowsy so I decided to turn the lights out and try to fall asleep.

No such luck. I was miserably uncomfortable and self conscious about every movement I made as well as the way I breathed. You know how it is when you concentrate on your breathing and then it starts to become less natural and more forced and out of sync? That was me. I tried to make myself relax, tried self hypnosis tricks, until I finally began to doze a little bit. Of course, as soon as I would realize, "hey, I'm falling asleep"...boing! My eyes would pop open and back awake I was. It was torture. The entire night was torture. I was uncomfortable in my wire spaghetti, the cannula in my nose was irritating and the monitor on my finger felt like it weighed 5 pounds. I had a few moments of panicked feelings where I thought I would go a little bonkers. I did sleep some but woke up many times. I also had some very disturbing, stress filled dreams. Every time I woke up I prayed it was 6:00AM, but also didn't want to reach over and check the time because I didn't want to be disappointed. Eventually I had to look because my bladder was telling me it was either time to get her back in here to unplug me so I could relieve the pressure or it was hopefully 6:00AM. It was 6:01!!

She must have seen my phone light up because she spoke over the intercom that she'd be in to unhook me in a few minutes after she took care of the other person there that night. Finally she came in and unhooked me and set me free.

Sweet freedom!!

I got dressed as fast as I could. I had the gummy dried gunk all over me and my hair had big globs of putty in it, but I was glad to get out of there. My husband was waiting for me and that was a relief!

I don't see Dr. Sadaj again until the 24th to see the results of my test and where we go from here. I really have no idea what to expect. I would guess I do have sleep apnea and if so its easily another month from that appointment until he could clear me. Maybe more. Or, should he say all is fine then I am cleared for surgery. The only consolation I have is...this should be the last hoop to jump.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Pulmonary Appointment

I came back to work today although I did have to make a concentrated effort to get out of bed on time and into the shower.  It’s pretty bad when that becomes an effort!  I am still in a fog today, but I don’t feel as depressed as yesterday.  That was such an awful feeling.  I really didn’t intend for this journal to be such a negative or Debbie Downer place to vent and be frustrated at.  I really do have positive feelings about what I am going to be doing and the big changes coming.  I am even thinking about starting a VLOG of my own on Youtube to use in conjunction with this journal.  I will give it a try anyway.  It’s kind of scary, but as long as I am mostly anonymous, I think it will be ok.

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I received a call from the pulmonology office.  I assumed it was just reminding me of my appointment tomorrow, however, they instead wanted to see if I was willing to come in today at 1:00 instead.  I told them I needed to clear it with work first but I would call them back.  As I was pulling into the parking lot it and didn’t see my bosses red mustang parked there, I remembered the managers are all out of town until Friday.  Ugh!  I called her anyway, knowing full well she’s riding in a car with the other managers so I am probably now a topic of conversation, but she approved the change in my schedule for today and also allowed me off tomorrow for a vacation day.  Oh joy!  I get a day free to clear my head and get my stuff together.  But once again, I am not liking the fact I am probably a topic of discussion in their travels today.

So, I am finally having my consult with Dr. Sadaj today.  I have no idea what to expect with his testing…the original pulmonologist I was scheduled with, told me there would be some tests and it could take 2-3 hours.  The girl today said it would only be an hour.  It concerns me that the doctor today might not know the tests that Dr. Korn wanted done on me.  I think I will print out the orders I saw on mychart to take with me.  I don’t want to tell a doctor what to do, but I also don’t want to have to reschedule more appointments and extend this out longer than is necessary.  I need some light at the end of the tunnel!

Ok, it's later now.  The appointment went ok.  He looked in my mouth and measured my neck, took my vitals and told me its highly likely I do have sleep apnea.  Apparently I have a large tongue, (isn't that a lovely image) and my neck circumference  is large and my neck is short.  All those together prove the fact that I'm a freak.  But anyway....there was a bit of a process working out how to get insurance to cover this because even more hoops become an issue.  However, when he added in my high blood pressure, diabetes and also restless leg syndrome (which I didn't really know I had problems with) I suddenly become a candidate without all the hoop jumping.  So, I have my sleep study scheduled for this Friday, and see Dr. Sadaj again on the 25th to look over my results.  Then he will equip me with a cpap machine and I guess monitor me for another month before he releases me to the surgeon.  So....more waiting...but I keep reassuring myself that this is the last step.  Anyway, I hope this is the last step!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Feeling a little Blue

I find myself really fighting depression today.  I woke up this morning to my alarm going off and let it snooze at least a dozen times, finally forcing myself to crawl out of bed, get dressed enough to take the dogs outside and then sit on the couch.  When looking at the clock I knew I was already running late, but I just didn’t care.  I had to stop myself 3 or 4 times from calling in sick for the day.  Giving myself only 20 minutes to get ready for work, I finally crawled back upstairs to take care of only what’s necessary.  I don’t feel physically sick…I just don’t feel good.  Like I am trudging through a dark fog, things feel sad and hopeless and all I’d like to do is crawl into a ball, in a dark room, and close my eyes for the rest of the day. 

But, instead I came to work. 

I may take the afternoon off.  My boss seemed receptive to the idea.  I told her I was having a bad day and she seemed understanding, so I might go talk to her in a little while and see if that’s still a possibility.

But, what’s causing this?  I did have my doctor submit a new prescription for my anti-depressants.  I was taking 300 mg and didn’t like the way they made me feel, so she recommended I use the rest of my 300’s but cut them in half until they ran out.  I did that and it seemed to be a fine transition.  Now, I am actually taking the full 150mg dosage, but I am wondering if the chemistry is different?  I don’t feel well at all.  Quite sad.  Quite low energy.  There doesn’t seem to be a lot to look forward to and yet I know that isn’t true at all.  So, the rational part of my brain knows this is all bogus, but for some reason I can’t work through it.  At least not today.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Monday again

This morning I visit with my pcp for a regular check up and discussion about my blood work that was done last week.  I already know about that because I saw the results online already.  However, I believe this morning I will be getting a complete physical.  I guess we will see what she decides to do.  I should have lost a bunch of weight...but I haven't.  At least a pound or 2 would make me happy at this point, but it is doubtful that will happen along with my hopes I didn't gain weight since I last saw her.  The idea that the surgeon didn't really want me to lose too much is dumb because I am sure he wanted me to lose a little!

Since last week I have been experiencing some pain in my left side.  It feels like trapped gas pain, but it hasn't moved at all.  I think it's doing a little better and then I move just so and it comes screaming back at me.  I would like to tentatively mention, I think it's better this morning, however, now I am just really sore in that same area.  Probably bruised intestines.  (if that possible?)  I think it is possible I am turning into a hypochondriac.  It sure seems like with all the doctor visits and way I feel lately, it's entirely possible.  :(



Sunday, August 7, 2016

Sunday Musings...

This afternoon I decided to pull out the notebook that they gave me when I saw the surgeon last month.  It really is very handy because they have categorized each step of the process.  I read it cover to cover that evening and really haven't looked at it since.  When I saw the dietitian a few weeks ago and she gave me the speedy version of what my post op diet should consist of, she also gave me some more pages of information that recapped the information she fed to me so fast that my head spinned.  These were to be added to the said book.  I knew that I could fall back on the info when it was time, and also knew I should go over it again to make sure I understand everything...because I truly have been feeling vague about what I am going to be going through as far as diet goes.  

Today I made myself go over the info and write it out.  That's always the best way I have learned to understand and commit to memory is to write it out.  I feel  better educated now and more prepared to do what I need to do.

It's only been since June that I started this journey I if feels like a much longer time.  I think that is because everything went really fast, appointments (most of them) were set up quickly and then it was just a matter of the waiting game.  Truth be told, I have already met all the insurance requirements.  The psychologist said he would have the results sent to the surgeon within a week and he already gave me the thumbs up on my results,  I know the surgeon is going to want that sleep study though...but that appointment is this coming Thursday...so....I am really close.

I do wonder, however, how far the surgeon is out on scheduling surgeries.  I do hope this is all going to happen this year.  I do have one small concern....my son is getting ready to submit his papers for his mission.  I don't want to be risking any surgeries at the same time I need to be out of town for his departure...but then again, I am sure things will work out.  This is life.  Right?

Friday, August 5, 2016

Trying to be more positive

After my freak out moment a couple days ago when watching the Aubrey in Wonderland videos on youtube, (she is an awesome vlogger and in no way is responsible for my freak out.), I have been trying to re-energize my enthusiasm about this process.  I have to put those negative thoughts and worries somewhere else, especially since I should be proud of how far I have come.  I have realized though that my emotions become a really big part of how I self-sabotage myself because ever since Tuesday, I have been feeling like I don’t want to put any effort into anything.  I haven’t worked out since Monday.  I come home from work and sit on the couch, watching TV and feeding my face.  Feeding my emotions.  I wonder how that’s going to work out when I can’t feed my face because my tummy only holds a couple ounces of food and I have to be careful about what that food is.  No more negative Nellie!!

A lot is going my way right now.  I have enough money in savings to cover the out of pocket expenses (as long as they schedule this dern surgery THIS YEAR), I only have 1 more hoop to jump through (As long as pulmonologist truly is my last requirement) and that appointment is scheduled for next week!  I had my eyes checked in May, and there is no damage to them from the diabetes, I had a mammogram last month and all is clear there…yes, I am fat and have diabetes, but possibly, with that issue resolved in the next 12 months or so, I could be in great health for a woman of my age.

So, here are some things I want to look forward to:
  • ·         Hiking up a hill without feeling like my lungs have collapsed
  • ·         Bending over and tying my shoes, etc without the blood rushing to my head
  • ·         More energy to get through my day
  • ·         Shop in regular stores for clothes.  NO MORE LANE BRYANT
  • ·         That big ol’ roll of fat laying over the top of my jeans
  • ·         Double chin go bye-bye
  • ·         Sleeping at night without worry that the fat in my neck might strangle me
  • ·         More lap for grandbabies to sit on
  • ·         No more cracked heels (I hope)
  • ·         Fewer medications (I hope)
  • ·         Look like a better physical match to my husband’s size
  • ·         Have an actual neck again

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Wherein I have to decide....to tell or not to tell..

Because of all the many doctor's appointments I have had to take in the past 2 months that have made need of me leaving work in order to keep them, it has raised some questions with people at work as to what's the matter with me.  Today one of my peers got up the gumption to do just that.  She was concerned that I have had so many doctors appointments and wanted to know if I was all right.  I hesitated a few seconds and just told her I need to have some surgery.  Then I just went ahead and told her what type.  I wasn't sure what reaction that would bring, but she just stared at me for a couple minutes and then said, "ok".  Stone faced.  I am not even sure how to take her reaction.  It was like she would have rather heard I had cancer or something.  I really don't think that she was thinking that and I am sure she was striving to not have any judgment in her face or tone.  I think it's possible that I am going to be sensitive about this issue. 

Apparently, there was a girl that used to work here that did the same thing.  I noticed she lost a lot of weight, but she always wore bulky clothes so I didn't realize she even had a weight problem to begin with.  One day she wasn't wearing her big all-encompassing jacket over her clothes and I saw how tiny she was.  I stopped her and said, "Wow!  You look great.  You've lost a lot of weight haven't you?"  (Well, duh, Shelley).  Of course she was waiting for the obvious next question which was, "what are you doing to get all skinny?"  She told me she was on the South Beach diet and had lost 85 pounds.  Now, I have read the South Beach diet book and even tried it for a few weeks/months on one of my diet fads...it made sense, but I found it so restrictive at that time I couldn't even fathom the will power and perseverance she would have had to go through in order to lose that much weight.  I just congratulated her and let her go on her merry way.  Later, I learned that she had WLS as well...so doing the South Beach diet made a lot of sense.  High protein, low carbs...whole foods.  So, yeah...I guess that will be my diet too.  I can't say I blame her for not wanting to tell everyone she had WLS.  It's so personal.  This journey is so personal.  And, other than reading online or going to support groups, there really isn't anyone who truly understands how alone someone feels that is traveling it.  I'd like to say my family understands...but I don't think they can.  Not really.  I mean, before I started contemplating this, researching and coming to a full knowledge of what it will likely entail...I didn't understand.  I also had similar thoughts of: 
  • Why would anyone want to have someone cut their stomach up?
  • Couldn't they just diet and exercise?
  • Isn't that cheating?
  • They took the easy way out!
  • What does a person have to get to before they go that drastic?
Should it matter how a person loses their weight...as long as they do it?  I know I shouldn't care and I should just be upfront with everyone about what's going on so life will be more simple.  But, would it be?  People are funny.  There could be anything from encouragement to jealousy in my future.  It's their problem, not mine, but I have that stupid personality where I care what people think of me.  Not that this is enough to stop me from going after what I want, but there are going to be days where it will affect me.  So...to tell or not to tell?

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Freaking Myself Out

I have been marathoning some online vloggers that have discussed their journey to weight loss with surgery.  I found a particularly good one last night and was really relating to the things she said and how much she seemed to be thinking and talking about the same things I am thinking and feeling about this process.  It was all good and well until her surgery arrived and within a week of the surgery she was back in the hospital with a collapsed lung.  It took her about 3 weeks before she seemed to find her groove.  I feel like I need to contact this woman and ask her if she has regrets about the surgery or if it was all she had hoped for.  She's losing weight well and that at least is going the way she wants it, but some of the trials she has gone through sound like there were big regrets.

Does everyone have buyers remorse and some point?  Right now I am in the mode where everything is about jumping through the hoops, meeting the requirements and doing what I can to be ready and aware of what I am up against.  I don't think there is a thing I can do to actually be prepared though.

I went into my medical chart today since I had blood work done again this morning for my diabetes.  It's still very high at 9.2.  In May it was 9.5.  Not much of an improvement.  That alone, should be enough of reason why this needs to be done.  *sigh

Monday, August 1, 2016

What's Right is Right

Here is the update on my psych evaluation.  I arrive on time and fill out the preliminary paperwork, insurance etc.  Then the fun starts.  For the next 2 hours I fill out at least 500 different questions, yes-no, somewhat, a little, a lot.  You know how that goes.  It takes me about 2 hours, sitting in a little room. After this is done, they send me back out to the lobby and the doctor (who seems like a very polite and kind person) comes out, and invites me back to his office.  He asks me to get comfortable while he looks over some details.  The questions are pretty rapid fire, and I answer as honestly as I can.  We spend about 20 minutes together in total.  He hasn't received my test results yet, but tells me that if anything strange pops up on them he will call me personally and we will review them.  His simple diagnosis is that I am mildly depressed but seem to be managing it with the medications my PCP has dosed me with.

I leave his office to go to the front desk and pay my insurance co-payment.  This is $30.00 currently.  They take forever reviewing my paper work and the lady I am speaking with is speaking with the woman that checked me in and learns that she never called the insurance yet,  (Mind you, I have been here 2.5 hours at this point.  I am told they don't really have that information yet, but they can see in my file that the tests I took today are not covered by my insurance and so I owe them $179.49 upfront before I leave.  WHAT!?  I question them and ask what they mean because the insurance is requiring that I see the psychologist, why are they now telling me that it's not covered.  They explain that the tests they perform are not covered, but since they haven't sent in my insurance information as of yet, they don't know what else isn't covered.  I am getting pretty angry,  The doctor stops to look at my file and doesn't say anything,  He walks away to do whatever else is on his list of things to do.  Not me obviously.  And, I understand there may be some things that aren't paid 100% but that is usually billed out after the visit.  I fork over the money and leave.  In my car I call the insurance company and get absolutely no help.  The agent doesn't seem to want to get involved in this and just tells me that she sees no claim and it wouldn't have happened today anyway because claims take a long time.

I call the doctors office back, still sitting in their parking lot and tell them  I want the dates they made these claims and they made the claim back on 7/8 and received the rejection from the insurance 7/18.  So, they preemptively sent the info over so they would know in advance what is covered.  I call the insurance back and explain this more in detail.  The agent this time is a little bit more helpful and explains that even though the insurance requires the hoop jumping, it doesn't necessarily mean that everything is covered under my policy,  I vent my frustration with her a bit and tell her I am going to get the documentation and fight this because I feel like I was railroaded a bit.  She's sympathetic, but there's nothing to be done.

I take off back to work and get another phone call.  It's the psychologist himself.  He asks me if I fully knew what I was going to be charged when I arrived at his office today.  I am not quite understanding him and tell him I supposed the $30 co-pay that is required on all office visits.  He tells me I am not understanding him, did I know I was to pay the $179 when I showed up today and I tell him not in the least.  No one had told me to expect that.  He tells me it's not very fair that I wouldn't be told this, so I could have the shopped around for a different doctor that might not charge these fees.  And because he doesn't believe his office did the right thing, he is going to refund me the $179.49 in the form of a check because I should have been aware.  I am so impressed, thank him profusely and tell him to please deduct the $30 co-pay I should have paid him because I completely didn't deal with that in the midst of all this.  He agrees and wishes me a better day.

In all my years, I have never seen anything like this.  That's integrity.  But, what's right is right.

Psycho Day!

Today I am scheduled to have my psychological evaluation.  I've read a bit on the topic so I somewhat know what to expect, but it sounds like most of it is taken up with filling out a lot of paper work and then meeting with the doctor for a little bit.  I understand that they want to know that I am prepared for the changes in my life this surgery will impose, as well as, if I am emotionally capable of avoiding going off the deep end when all is said and done.  Nevertheless, the notion of seeing this doctor has me feeling a bit nervous.  Most likely because, this isn't a type of doctor I ever go see and I guess there is a bit of a stigma attached to it.  It's just such an unknown.

I did fill out the preliminary paperwork with the pulmonologist on Friday.  That appointment will happen on the 11th.  The main concern will be if I need a sleep study and how long that will take.

As to exercise.  I was very discouraged with myself because of not being able to advance with the Couch to 5 K because of my physical limitations.  I even skipped any work out on Friday.  But, today I got on the treadmill and pushed things back to week 3, day 3.  It was the last workout I was able to finish without feeling like a failure, and it still made me sweat, got my heart rate up and I think was a good place for me to stay for awhile.  After the surgery, and I have dropped some weight, I can move forward from there.  It seems wise to me.  And there isn't any reason for me to feel like I am a failure just because I am staying where I am at.  This should be somewhat fun if I am going to stick with it.  I guess if it becomes too easy, I can move forward.  I can't imagine that happening though because I was wiped out after doing it this morning!

Tomorrow, I get the blood work done for my quarterly wellness check with my regular doctor.  It's not going to be that good, because my blood sugar has been very high.  I also have to admit that I was a little stressed when I saw the surgeon a month ago and he told me not to lose very much weight so I am not disqualified from weight loss surgery by my insurance.  I confess that has made me slack in weight loss attempts and I have pretty much eaten whatever I want and when I want.  This week...I am going to pay attention, make better choices and get down a couple pounds before I see my doctor for the follow up to the blood work next week.

For the most part, it feels like my blog posts are quite boring and full of uninteresting information.  I think though, someday down the line, I am going to enjoy going back and re-reading the process of the journey.  No one but me has ready any of this, but I guess someday I might promote it out there in case anyone else would find it interesting.  I know that I have liked reading about other's journeys,