I have been struggling again with feeling a bit low in
spirits. I have tried my best to stay motivated, however, and working on
my physical goals. I can easily walk for an hour to an hour and a half a
day, I count my steps with my Fitbit, sometimes breaking it up with some light running.
My food is primarily on track although I think I listen to head hunger a little
too much in the evenings and go look for that little bite of this and
that. They really don’t amount to much, and I usually count the details
of it, but I know I don’t need it and shouldn’t be seeking out food to
fix my emotions. My size 14 jeans are initially snug when I first put
them on, but as the day wears on, they get looser and looser. Of course,
with my non-waist issue, I never really fit anything around the waist and always
have some pudge hanging over the top of the waist band. Who knows if that
will ever go away.
The shrinking me is not looking so good without clothes to
cover up the wrinkly skin. It looks all jiggly and wobbly and when I bend
my legs or arm, it crinkles up like an old lady. I get that I don’t have
elasticity in my skin like in my youth, but this is sad to see. I think I
have to ask myself if it’s better than full of plump fat, or loose and empty of
fat. My husband keeps telling me not to worry because it will eventually
tighten up, but I don’t think that it really will. But, I will keep
working on things and hope some redistribution goes on that will balance
everything out. One thing he did say though, or words to this effect
were, “this is what you wanted, you have to live with the results”. He
didn’t mean this in a cruel way, but it still affected me because it hurt a
little bit. Sure, I’d like to hear some platitudes that I am great
looking or sexy still, but honestly, I am not sure I would believe it.
*sigh
Today, I am having a fat day. Of course, it’s not any
different than on Sunday when I was so excited to see my scale where it was,
but in my head, I guess, it feels different. I wonder why I do this to
myself and can’t just be content with things and accepting of myself. I
say the words but don’t necessarily live them. There seem to be a lot of
things going on with me right now and I am not sure how to process it all.
I am an empty-nester. The house is big and quiet when
I get home and have my dogs for company. It’s still dark outside when my
work day is done and very cold this winter. I am constantly cold and when
I eventually do crawl into bed, I just go immediately to sleep. Then do
it all over again the next day. I really miss my son. Even though
he was often away or spent time with his friends, I knew he was there and a
companion for me. If I asked him to join me for dinner, he would, and we
would see a movie occasionally or go shopping. I am proud of him for the
changes he has made towards growing up and helping others, but I do miss
him. For the past 32 years, I have had a child at home with me in one
capacity or another. Whether all 4 sons, or only down to 1, it was never
just me. But now it is. I am grateful that my husband comes home on
the weekends. It helps to have the human comfort, and I could try harder
to be more social with others, but I don’t really have that in me. I am
trying not to have a pity party. Life is still out there in front of
me….I am just not quite sure where I fit into it all. Possibly, I should
try to see a counselor or someone that I can talk things through with. I
need to find me in the midst of all this change.
Tomorrow evening, I do start a behavioral class (group) with
the psychologist that visited with me before my surgery. I am hopeful
that I can glean something from this that will help me adjust to my surgery and
the changes I am going through. Sure, the changes are dramatic, but I
don’t find myself focusing on that part as much as I thought I would. I
mean, I am not focusing on the limited food intake or missing old foods and
such. Yes, it happens sometimes, but overall, I just accept it. I
really think what I am going through goes deeper than that, and it’s quite
likely it’s very normal for this time in my life. I really miss my
mom. How I would love to be able to sit and visit with her and tell her
my feelings and thoughts. She had a way of really supporting me and and
being my shoulder in life. And now, I just feel really petty when I try
to express deep feelings with others. I have tried a little bit with my
older sister, and I come away feeling a bit ashamed of myself because I have so
much going positive in my life without the constant life struggle (financially),
and she is focused in her life more on that financial struggle. Money
doesn’t fix all things, but when you have none (and I have lived this), you
really think it would fix most of them. I have to keep telling myself
that I am blessed and be grateful.
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