It's a dismal Monday morning and I feel like I am wading through my requirements to be a responsible adult. I am not feeling it today. Last week's bad weather, coupled with freezing rain this morning and the headache of the icy commute are playing a big part in all of this, but quite frankly, I just did not want to climb out of bed today.
These feelings are too familiar. Before surgery, I felt this way often and usually attributed it to being unhappy in my fat body, associated health issues because of my weight and the altogether reality that it wasn't going to get better unless I did something about it. But, the reality is, even with losing weight and improving my health, I still feel depressed.
While I was out the 6 weeks, recovering from my surgery, my son commented that I seemed happier and less stressed out. He was right. He thought it was because I was losing weight. And while that is true, the real reason was because I was so enjoying not being at work. Don't get me wrong, its not a bad place to work, the people are good and the pay is good, but there is something in me that prefers staying home, in my house, away from people and conflict and added stress. Some people thrive on that sort of existence, and unfortunately I am not one of those people.
So, the alarm clock work warned me that I would have to leave the comfort of my warm bed and act like an adult this morning. And it really stinks.
Losing weight is certainly not going to fix all my problems. I have been this depressive person since I was a child and had to get up and go to school, too. I was always much more happy staying home within the confines of my own home. It's an environment where I can find inspiration, feel creative, and work inside my mind to bring harmony into my life. Having to make my way in the hustle and bustle of the world doesn't appeal in the least. But, I can do it. I have to do it.
I'm not really sure what the point of this blog post was. It's just my state of mind this dark and lonely Monday morning and I felt like I needed to get it out of me. The weekend went by too fast, my husband was sickly the entirety of it and I think I am feeling a bit lonely now that my son is gone. When bad weather strikes here, my son gone, my husband working out of state all week, I feel very alone and vulnerable. But that's how depression works with me. Leave me alone but don't really leave me alone. So pathetic.
Weight loss is going OK. I need to get more creative in my meals, however, because I find myself reaching for a fast fix meal that's probably not as healthy or balanced as it should be. I am also miserable with left overs because I don't really want them the 2nd day...or the 3rd and 4th day as the case may be. And, I have no one else to feed around here so I throw most of them away. I still am battling with evenings and the thoughts that I need to eat something when I really don't need to eat anything else.
Clothes are a menace too. Except for 2 pairs of jeans and 2 blouses, everything in my closet is too big and looks sloppy and I feel fat in. Having to look professional at work makes this very difficult because unless I wear the same 2 blouses every day, (which I am not going to do) I just don't feel that dress for success vibe. I know these are petty things to be complaining about, but my mind is a mess of jumbled defeatist feelings today.
Exercise! I must get back on the treadmill and see if that helps. With last weeks below zero temperatures, I couldn't face the garage to get on my treadmill, but the temperatures are warmer this week so I can at least try to make that happen.
But for now, I have to go and get ready for work. *sigh