Every morning I get on my scales and weigh myself. I have been monitoring daily since I started this journey back in June. Every morning I am within a range of 248-243..so a 5 pound spread. Never has it gone over 250 and never has it gone under 240. And, it really makes me crazy. Not because I have been working really hard and deserve a great weight loss. Not because I even deserve a little weight loss. Apparently, I am eating enough calories and am sedentary enough to maintain my weight. Maintaining sounds like a good thing, unless it’s at 100 pounds overweight! This weight thing is such a mind game. I have a lot riding on my hopes of weight loss surgery, and then I am not even making a true effort to lose a few pounds ahead of time to show I can do this once I get the tool to help me make it happen. Argh!
I feel disconnected from where I want to be and I think I need to find that place again. Many of the vloggers I watch on youtube, that had their surgeries around the time I started paying attention, are getting closer and closer to their goals. Of course, in watching them I realize that everyone has a difficult time staying focused and on track. Not to mention the head games that come into play when you can't stay caught up mentally, to the progress you actually have made. I am sure I will be the same way. I just want to get started.
I just ended night 23 using the CPAP machine. I see Dr. Sadaj next Friday morning (day 29) to see what he thinks of my progress. It's been a strange few weeks. The 1st week I really hated it, the 2nd week I hated it more. But now, in the last weeks or so, I have got kind of used to it, and the for the most part am sleeping pretty solidly through the night. It still wakes me up when the mask slips away from my nose and I realize it's leaking air everywhere, but I usually replace it and fall back to sleep. I am still uncomfortable wearing it when my husband is home. I think I feel so unattractive and goofy looking with it on. Vanity! But, there alone most weekday nights, I just snuggle in, get steady breathing going and drift away.
Exercise, or the lack thereof has been ridiculous. When I started this blog, I was doing the couch to 5K. Now, I am just doing the couch! I guess this is normal for me in my inconsistencies with exercise. I really need to get back to work on this. The days have got shorter, and soon it will be dark again when I leave work. I have to make a better commitment to doing something. (or anyway, I should!)
My son is supposed to receive his mission papers this week, and he will be leaving me soon. It's going to be strange being the only person in this big house most of the week. I am extremely proud of him, however, and know this is a great step for him as part of his life. I also realize, that the timing is pretty good, If I AM the only one here most of the time, I can focus in on what I need for my diet (after surgery) and excepting for weekends, when Jim is home, there shouldn't be too many temptations. I am honestly not certain how weekends are going to go. I am not really worried about food temptations, at least at first, but I am worried about disappointing my husband when he wants to go to Texas Roadhouse for a big steak or to Luciano's for some Italian food. At least, for a few months, I am going to really be limited in what I can eat, or even want. I do hope I don't have those complications I have read about where no food is tolerated well and there is a lot of vomiting. That would be a total drag. I know I will make it through OK, but I don't want others to worry about me too much.
Work is crazy! It's annual review time, and for the last 2 weeks I have worked like a crazy woman getting the 9 done. I am down to 3 though, so think it's a good place to be at the end of this week. Recently, 3 new agents were added to my team, bringing me to 12. It is definitely a full workload. Today is the last day of the week, and I still have 2 call evaluations to complete. It's not that bad, but I would like to be further along at this point.
So, this is my last few weeks in a nutshell. Not too much of anything to report I guess, but just life and how it's being lived. Hopefully, things are going to take off soon on the surgery front.
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